I know I’ve done some damage, Steph.  I know what I need to do.  It’s going to hurt, but if it means we can still have a friendship, I’ll do it for you…and for both of us.  I just don’t want to hurt either of us doing it.  I need to move on, and I’m going to atleast put some effort into it.

 I just really don’t know what to do.  This is the hardest thing ever.  I hate myself for doing what I did.  For what it’s worth (if anything), I’m sorry.

Feel free to take issue  with anything I write if you infact do have a problem with it and voice it – that’s what the comments are for.  I’m not going to get grumpy, combative or angry about it.  It’s other opinions which reflect facets of reality I’m probably not seeing much of lately, and having one, if not multiple lights at the end of the tunnel just might help.  I don’t know.  I can’t promise anything.  That’s a lesson I’m learning all to hardly lately – no matter how bad you want things to happen and how hard you try, even if you do everything that needs to be done to achieve a goal – success is not guaranteed. 

With recent happenings in my life I can honstly say that I’ve never felt this absolutely worthless – not due to the actions of others, but the acts of self-revelation they have inspired in my own mind.  I’m pretty much the most unremarkable person I know.  There’s nothing particularly outstanding about me at all.  At best I’m totally average and largely inconsequential in my existance, which I guess isn’t a bad thing, I’m nearly half done existing anyhow…unless something else gets me first. 

THAT is what I’m concerned about.  I’ve been pretty much miserable since I turned 20.  Don’t get me wrong, there were periods of prolonged happiness, but it seems that they only existed to act as a catalyst for misery that surpassed the happiness by several magnitudes.  That’s the problem with that sort of thing – those truely happy moments as wonderful as they are when you have them, are absolutely evil when they’re gone.  Which brings me to the start of it all…The ex I never speak of…The relationship ended abbruptly after around three wonderful years the night I found out she’d been fucking (atleast) seven different guys behind my back for the past three years…letters, poems, emails, pictures and a videocassette I never had the nerve to play.  I quietly packed up my things and walked the 28 blocks to the bus terminal at 3am without saying a word to her or waking her up – I left all the stuff on my side of the bed and figured that would be explanation enough – I haven’t spoken to or heard from her since.  This leads into the next 3 years in which I refused to let anyone close to me literally and figuratively.  I had absolutely nothing to do with girls for the next three years, no relationships, and no physical and/or emotional contact of any kind.  I spent most of the time working until the next party.  Weed, E, K, LSD, Coke, mushrooms, absinthe…all escapes I occasionally indulged in for a period until the past year.  I had given up pretty much everything, I still drink and smoke weed occasionally.  I thought things were turning out great for me for once and they were terrific for about 3 months.  I can’t tell you for certain when things started or stopped, all I know is that I sustained myself virtually on liquor alone until November and from the best I can recall, August was the last time I could remember being happy.  September and October of  2006 do not exist in my history with the exception of breif recollections of parties, depression, anger, hallucinations and an intervention or two by concerned friends. 

Then I met someone fantastic.  I’d been totally clean for atleast a week, and I went to another party at the typical location just to be social and see everyone – have a cigarette or eleventy and just have fun chilling out.  I wasn’t even at the party for two hours yet and under the most ridiculous and unforeseeable circumstances I meet someone and from the moment our eyes met we were completely smitten.  That’s all been over for a couple of months now.  The memories of our relationship I save just for us – my own private piece of tranquility.  Part of me wishes she had smothered or poisoned me in my sleep the last night we fell asleep in eachother’s arms.  The more rational part of me knows that’s ridiculous and completely uselss to think that way – that’s the same part of me that tells me that life will go on.  I will be happy again, and I’ll find someone (whether I like it or not) “better” (for lack of a better term).  I’m excited about this because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from past relationships, it’s that the next one is always “better” (I’m just disappointed that it can’t be you no matter how much I want it) and there will be so much to look forward to.  It’s like a good friend of mine quoted to me once while going through a similar situation : “Somewhere out there, there’s a person you haven’t even met yet, and maybe they’re rolling around in the hay with someone else, they’re not as good as you’ll be…You just gotta wait your turn. She’s out there, he’s out there, they’re just learning what to contrast you against.” and maybe I’ve learned what to contrast them against, I don’t know…all I can do is try…and not be afraid to try regardless of the past.

Even still, to be told by the person that you love that you don’t make them as happy as they want to be in life, and that they have virtually no physical/emotional attraction to you anymore is pretty devestating on a psychological level, which in some cases I think is worse than physial pain.  I still don’t hold this against her (and noone else is to do anything negative as a result of any of this.  If anyone has a right to lash out at her or do something malicious, it’s me – I’m the only one who’s been affected and I’m not that angry.  So basically, keep it to yourself I suppose…)  It’s incredibly disappointing to me as well…but I’ll have to deal with it because I’m equally (if not more) responsible for what’s happened…buy the ticket, take the ride, good or bad, it’s yours to deal with. 

I have some things to think about, choices to make, paths to look down, investigate and maybe travel down…We’ll see.  I can’t make any promises or things just might have turned out differently for me this time and you wouldn’t be reading this.

(Am, C, G, F)

Your love’s a gathered storm I chased across the sky
A moment in your arms became the reason why
And you’re still the only light that fills the emptiness
The only one I need until my dying breath
And I would give you everything just to
Feel your open arms
And I’m not sure I believe anything I feel

And now, now that you’re near
There’s nothing more without you
Without you here And I’m trying to believe
In things that I don’t know
The turning of the world
The color of your soul
That love could kill the pain
Truth is never vain
It turns strangers into lovers
And enemies to brothers
Just say you understand
I never had this planned

Good news everyone! I passed my G1! Although Owen Sound’s complete lack of “Pay and Sprays” is causing some concern – I will have to try to keep my wanted level to a minimum.  Yesterday before work I went out to Springmount via the MartinMobile and wrote my G1 test and passed.  Hooray for only missing one question.  Hopefully I will be able to get some practice time in and then schedule my driving test ASAP.  It’s unfortunate that Grand Theft Auto and Need for Speed don’t count for previous experience credit.  Also, I need to get into a driver’s ed course somewhere.  Anyone have recommendations?

“Hello…?”

“WHERE ARE YOU?! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR TEN MINUTES!”

…*alarm clock flashes 2:45 at me mockingly as my blood begins to boil…but no time for that, just disappointment and worry that someone is now not eating today*

 I’m sorry sweetheart <3 ugh…I hate technology.  I’m glad you got something, fries are somewhat delicious.

 ES IST ZEIT FUR RACHT!!! WIR MUSSEN DER MANBEARPIG AUSROTTEN!!!

 CH₃COOH + 3Cl₂ → CCl₃COOH + 3HCl

That’s right kiddies.  Acetic Acid and Chlorine.  Any schmuck with a jug of plain white vinegar and some pool chemicals can cook this stuff up, react the precipitate with Hydrogen Peroxide and have this exact substance.  It’s all a matter of reacting chemicals in a basin and filtering the precipitate…twice.  THIS is why the industry doesn’t care.  Mere milligrams of this stuff will do the trick and vinegar and chlorine aren’t at all expensive, so there’s really no money to be made here.  So, they’d rather invest in something which will produce a higher cost and therefore more expensive drug.  Now, this isn’t perfect, there have been some side effects to the use of this drug in treating metabolic disorders – namely peripheral nerve damage.  So, your extremities may tingle permenantly…But hey, I’d take the chance of developing a tingle over a tumor eating my fucking brain any day.  Also, another side effect of this drug is that it seems to aid in stress and anxiety reduction – well, I’m crying over that pretty hard.  I love my stress and anxiety…along with sarcasm.  So, pay attention in school and you may be able to do something neat like cure a plague using stuff found in your pantry.